Page 13 - AVN Intimate Spring 2018

everything to do with sex is about increasing intimacy … how you can reconnect together
and increase intimacy.” She saw that as an important goal in sex education generally.
All of the participants agreed that the best way to approach getting religious
conservatives to consider adding sex toys to their bedroom activities was to “think small.”
“Especially if you’re talking to a woman with all the same issues and everything, if she
goes home with a realistic one like this,” Airs said with her hands spread wide apart, “it’s
going to be grounds for divorce.”
Parker noted she had done “tasteful” presentations to local parishioners in church, with
the aim of increasing marital intimacy, using such words as “stimulator” or “massager”
rather than “vibrator,” but observed that as long as “the marital bed is undefiled,” religious
people are fairly open about what they’ll consider doing. She also handed out candy kisses
and coupon books at a church holiday party that netted her 15 new couples customers.
“That little coupon book opened them up to so much other stuff,” she said, adding that
“they are a very sensitive group.”
“You have to give people your permission and let them know it’s okay,” she summarized,
“because what I’ve found is, the church uses guilt and sin and they basically play on
people’s emotions. It’s a form of social control, and they’re like, ‘We’re doing it for their own
good because if we don’t put boundaries on people, they’re going to wonder about this, this
and the other, and what they have to learn is, it’s okay to walk in your freedom.”
She also talked about how she approaches the issue of birth control, telling people, “If
you know that your family’s complete, then there are different things that you can do to not
have to take birth control, but to still be able to not have another baby.”
Airs stated that another taboo subject sometimes comes across is erectile dysfunction—
which she said men are afraid to discuss but are hungry for advice. “People will tell you
their most intimate secrets within two minutes,” she said, “so you need to have that
compassion and knowledge to let them know it’s okay.”
People will tell you their most intimate secrets
within two minutes, so you need to have that
compassion and knowledge to let them know
it’s okay.
—Kim Airs
For Goldstein, the three most important concepts in getting the religious to overcome
their fear of sexual topics are “Educate, normalize and collaborate—get people to talk about
things like desire, intimacy.” She gave the example of a woman who doesn’t have orgasms
blaming her husband’s penis for the lack, when according to Goldstein, what she really
needs is the right sex toy.
“Get yourself into the mainstream to normalize yourself,” she advised. “If you can jump
on TV, radio, podcasts—and I’m not talking specifically about things with the word ‘sex’ in
them—really mainstream stuff, and this is where you can change your language. If you’re
a pleasure product provider, you are an intimacy enhancer expert, and take the word ‘sex’
out of it. People can get very fearful when they go, ‘Oh, you’re the girl who sells rubber
dicks.’ “I’m not selling rubber dicks; I am helping couples enhance intimacy.’”
Airs suggested that most of what the panelists have said regarding educating religious
people could also be applied to the medical community, which often is ignorant about
sexuality. She said that giving them samples of sexual products could help.
Shaulis then opened the floor for questions, and Beth Liebling, owner of Darling Way
Boutique in Houston, suggested referring to toys as “romantic props.”
“I tell everybody, when you shut the bedroom door, you should be able to see a different
show in your bedroom in your real life just like on your TV,” she said, “and when I talk
about props that can be kept in a prop closet, it helps them realize that those are extras, and
for men who sometimes are afraid and they say, ‘Oh, she’s gonna like that better than me,’ I
tell them, ‘Nobody ever goes to the theater to see the props. The props are there to make the
stars shine and make the show come to life.’”
Much of the discussion centered around how to reach people who, because of upbringing
or philosophy, can’t quite seem to grasp the idea that sexual pleasure is okay, especially
within marriage.
FEATURE
“Sometimes when you’re dealing with people who
are closed-minded, sometimes you just can’t change
certain people, what they feel, how they feel,” said
Parker. “Don’t let that have any bearing on you and
what you have to offer to the next person. Don’t let
them discourage you, because I’ve learned over the
years, some people are just set in their ways. But you
have a new generation of young people who want to
be set free, want to be liberated, so you be that person
for them.”
Educate, normalize and
collaborate—get people to
talk about things like desire,
intimacy.
—Dr. Nikki Goldstein
In response to a questioner who said she lived in
a very conservative area, Parker noted that her store
doesn’t carry any explicit DVDs, just toys and lingerie
and other more benign merchandise. Goldstein
advised carrying items in the store that are not
explicitly sexual, but rather “sensual and beautiful.”
Parker also added the concept of starting small, saying
that a bullet vibe is most women’s first toy, and the
fact that they use and enjoy that may allow them to
consider other, perhaps bigger toys.
All in all, the audience appeared to have heard
advice that would stand them in good stead in their
communities, and might even allow them to help
people of faith gain new insights and pleasures in
their own sexuality.
ShaRonda Parker talked about running her “sexual health and wellness” store.
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